Mixed Emotions

On the outside, my aunt and uncle flew in from Toronto to celebrate the festive Chinese New Year, at least that was the version of the story told to my 87-year-old grandma. In reality, they had to reschedule their March vacation in Hong Kong to as early as possible in the hopes to catch a last glimpse of their daughter-in-law who was losing a long battle with cervical cancer.

At midway of my five-day party season, I’m having a hard time adapting to the fact that I’ll be attending a funeral of a family member next week. From now to the actual time of the memorial service, is it inappropriate for me to continue having fun? Should I put away clothing items of traditional Chinese festive colors and resort to a simple dark-toned wardrobe? How does mourning mix in with such prominent a traditional festivity as Chinese New Year during which the smallest remark on any unhappy thoughts is deemed taboo?

Visited the home of a friend today, a friend who’s just had a miscarriage three months into pregnancy. About half a year ago she told me about her plan to give her first child a younger sibling. Young, healthy, energetic couple; all they waited for was the perfect timing. It was hard for me to imagine the disappointment the aspiring mother must’ve felt, until I saw her last night for the first time after she got out of the hospital. As much as she tried to put on a strong face for her oblivious houseguests, it was obvious (at least to me) that she was drenched in sorrow.

Chinese traditions have it that mourning families are not to rejoice anything for a certain period of time, even if it means missing out on Chinese New Year. But at the same time, most Chinese families are reluctant and probably embarrassed to spread bad news about themselves, especially during Chinese New Year. My friend, almost always the positive one, chose to keep the news quiet and break the rules by celebrating the New Year as the next Chinese family is doing.

From time to time, we all have to mask sorrow with a phony smile. And there’s always the belief that adequate phony smiles can trick the mind into thinking the sorrow was over. Does being forced to put on a strong face make the grieving easier or harder?