Last... W--

I was at the bookstore yesterday and came across a book called Famous Last Words. In this book are records of the last words said by some great historical figures, why they said what they said, and how they died, etc. I thought to myself, quoting last words was probably the most sensible way to make money from dead people. So I stood there and went through pretty much the entire book. Hee.

A person's last words can be the most valid report of his/her life. For one, it tells whether or not the person has lived enough. As Sigmund Freud once said, "It is tragic when a man outlives his body." (Those were not his last words.)

For a man who has lived enough and is ready to go, pride is written all over his last words. Take Pablo Picasso for example, the biggest walking ego to have ever existed on the face of the earth. His last words were "Drink to me!" I like that idea though. If I die today, I'd like to think that my funeral serves as just another excuse for my friends and family to get drunk. After all, it is a farewell party.

On the other hand, you can see that a person is not ready to go when his/her last words deal with their obsession--their work. To show his undying dedication to providing hospitality, Conrad N. Hilton, founder of Hilton hotels, said "Leave the shower curtain on the inside of the tub" when asked if he had any last words of wisdom for the world. Dominique Bouhours, a preeminent French Jesuit grammarian who devoted his life to promoting high standards of correctness and purity in the French language, spent his last words stating "I am about to--or I am going to--die; either expressions are used." (He said it en Francais, of course.)

If and when you know your time is near, you have to be very careful what you say. If you're anyone of significance, your last words will matter. Queen of France, Marie Anttoinette's last words were "Pardonnez-moi, monsieur" after accidentally stepping on the foot of her executioner just before she was beheaded. Of course that shows, though convicted of treason, she was nonetheless polite. But in my opinion, if you're going to say something, say something meaningful. And keep it short, one-liners are ideal, to ensure you don't get cut off unfinished. But really, that's hard to control if you're the spontaneous type. Heinrich Heine, a German poet, apparently had something more to say, as his last words were "Write... write... pencil... paper."

If you don't have anything to say, that's cool too. But then you must make sure you keep your mouth shut. Alfred Rosenberg, a Nazi war criminal, said "No" when asked if he had any last words, hence "No" was recorded as his last word, singular. My favorite is Karl Marx. When asked by his housekeeper if he had any last words, he yelled "Go on. Get out! Last words are for fools who haven't said enough."

I have certain expectations of myself, and I'd like to think that my readers wouldn't settle for less either, you know, since I'm a writer and all. So I'm going to have to come up with some original, thought-provoking last words when my time comes. It's quite exciting to think that the last thing I'll ever try to do is to inspire. Better yet, I'll start brainstorming now. Because you never know what kind of situation you'll be in when the angels call. I think I'll go for something funky, with a little wit, like... well, I can't think of anything now. But if you're free then, make sure you grab a front row seat for my "performance of a lifetime". I promise I won't disappoint you.

I just hope that whoever writes my epitaph will be as creative.