Old Bastard

I can't help but feel a little apprehensive as I count down to the big 3-0. Naturally, I turned to the great King Google for words of wisdom. I looked up "turning 30" and found that the insightful Andy Rooney had this to say about women over 30:

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women.

Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know.

A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens. Once you get past a wrinkle(?) or two(??), a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" Here's an update for you: Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.

It's always pleasing to hear words that work in my favor, especially when they're that close to being all true. But soon before long it hit me that when aging is what you're sensitive about, comments from someone three times your age may not be the best remedy (incidentally, Rooney himself is turning the big 9-0 this very day).

Another quick search revealed that Rooney had another piece on women over 40, except it's not another piece but the exact same piece with all the "30" replaced by "40". And the same fucking piece was used again on women over 50.

Not so insightful after all! And I used to wonder how this guy never seemed to run out of material. Turns out the trick is to out-live your audience and reuse your stuff unnoticed.

Now I'm miserable. Damn you, Rooney.