Topic du Jour

An ICQ conversation I had with a friend this morning inspired me to write something. But things, and I, tend to get stuck often when it's as muggy as it is in Hong Kong these days. So I settled for the better solution. It all started when my friend sent me a message in which she told me that 1, she had just met her boyfriend's parents and it went well; and 2, a friend of hers and the fiance had just taken wedding photos.

And so... the topic du jour - Marriage.

Note: Names of people and parts of the dialogue have been altered to protect the identity of those mentioned. Deliberately messy names are used instead in attempt to keep this rather lengthy piece entertaining.

ME: It's funny how you included the two things in one message... when I read it I got the sense that you're going to marry this guy soon...

HER: That's freaky! Scarlet and her soon-to-be-married idea are freaking me out...Antoinetta and I were talking about it today ... and we see all these potential problems in Scarlet's "coming soon" life and I got a little worried for her.

ME: I guess all "problems" seem to go away miraculously when two people decide they want to get married.... I've been hearing about numerous weddings this year... most of them are Sophia's friends.

HER: Well ... I can understand why you say that ... but Scarlet and her fiance are in a slightly different situation.

ME: How so?

HER: Well, her fiance, Stuart, is divorced with a 6 yr old daughter, custody on the mom's side ... Scarlet and Stuart met last September, it was a set up by friends. Scarlet first heard about Stuart and wasn't tempted... but finally she gave in. They met... he fell in love with her... and poof... all of a sudden... he proposed to her in December! 3 months into their relationship! Or maybe 2...

ME: Well, does she love him?

HER:Scarlet is a fun gal, she's also a busy gal. We used to hang out after work and go have fun. She loves to shop too... shopaholic... to get rid of the stress from work. Now Stuart is in her life, he doesn't let her shop. He thinks it's a waste of money, and of course the hang out stuff will either not happen or he will tag along.

ME: Does Scarlet not see that as a problem?

HER: I think she kinda knows but she's not thinking it's a problem. She's very considerate and does what he wants. Antoinetta and I both think that this relationship only works cause Scarlet is willing to sacrifice for Stuart. But the relationship is also very dull. We're worried that eventually she'll get tired of it.

ME: Well.... I think it's all right as long as she feels comfortable with the whole relationship... at least for now, and even if it's only for now. You know... as her friends, you and Antoinetta would have your opinions whether or not the guy's right for her... but then I really believe that friends should avoid commenting on friends' relationships. Besides, it's impossible for outsiders to know everything involved. So all you can do is wish her the best.

HER: I'm not gonna say anything. Ever since he's with her I've rarely talked to Scarlet. He's always around; it's hard to talk about him when he's there. That's another thing, Stuart thinks that once they're together, they should be together... literally... no more privacy... he goes everywhere she goes. He has to know everything.
And their wedding ...well ... back then Scarlet and I talked about our dream weddings way before Stuart existed ... I know Scarlet likes small simple weddings but with a bit of class ... but Stuart is a little "let's not waste money type" (details omitted) It's the most important day of her life and it's nothing BUT class as far as I've heard ...

ME: I hear you... but maybe she's happy to make that "sacrifice". Do you guys think she's not happy?

HER: I really don't know if she's happy... there were times that I see sparks in her eyes... but that was when they first started dating... I always thought brides to be will have sparks... but so far I don't see any... Antoinetta said she doesn't really think she ever had the "in love glow" on her face...

ME: The way I see it is.... as long as Scarlet doesn't seem to be suffering from any of this; you guys shouldn't and can't worry too much.
Another thing.... you and I might still have that "dream" about weddings and marriages b/c we're young... but Scarlet is 30 something, and women that age can easily change their views about landing a marriage, any marriage.

HER: True ... I think she was in the freaked out phase of "will I ever get married" when I first met Scarlet.
I'm not gonna say anything cause she probably doesn't think it's a problem ... but just the thoughts made me scared ... how do you know when you're really in love with someone and how do you know if he's the one you should marry? I'm not saying I'm gonna get married anytime soon.

ME: You know.... I really have a hard time believing in marriages nowadays... in my opinion a marriage is like promising "we'll never break up", but making the promise doesn't mean you won't fall in love with another person... love is from the heart and sometimes, I think, is not something you can control. I mean, when you're married, you'll make it your responsibility not to do anything about it even if you find you fall in love with another person... or even if you find you don't love your husband/wife anymore. A marriage doesn't guarantee that two people stay in love forever.
That's what I'm saying.
So maybe there isn't really one you should marry... maybe you "should" just marry whoever feels right at the moment. Because nobody knows what happens tomorrow, or the day after.

HER: I guess ... but then u make it all sound like just go with the flow.

ME: I think it is go with the flow. Even if you say you found THE ONE... how do you know if the timing is right? How do you know you guys bought the perfect apartment? How do you know you'll have the "right" children? It IS all just going with the flow.
Supposedly, a marriage tells people that the two people will be "going with the flow" together, they're going to share all joys and sorrows till death do them part blah blah blah....
I honestly believe marriage is just a ceremony. Maybe at first the two people will feel obligated to stay happy and make everything work... but 10 yrs, 20 yrs, 30 yrs into the relationship as husband and wife, things can still change.... and when things change then, they might not carry the same "meaning of a marriage" idea in their heads as they did when they first tied the knot.

HER: But there must be some amazing happily ever after married couples out there ... I mean ... there must be some good in marriage ... why else would people get married?!

ME: Of course there is.... but marriage is a product that doesn't carry with it any warrantee, the price of maintenance would be great, and if it ever breaks down the price would be even greater. People get married because it's a tradition. People get married b/c their families/friends/business associates expect them to.

HER: Please tell me that that's not always true ... marriage is supposed to be between 2 people... not a whole bunch of people! Or is it?! Is marriage uniting 2 hearts or 2 families?!

ME: I honestly feel that weddings are like putting on shows... so that the moms and dads can feel they maintained or even upgraded their image as successful parents raising a daughter good enough to marry a rocket scientist or a son good enough to marry a swimsuit model, that their friends can have an excuse to get drunk, and that the bride/groom can appear as ones who can commit in front of his boss/coworkers/business associates.

HER: But marriage should be more than just that.... more than just satisfying the couple's families/friends/coworkers. I mean, a marriage does make people look different... but it'd be sad, and it's true ... some people get married just to make themselves look good.

ME: If and when I really love a man... I would like it if he wants to marry me, yes... because to me that means he wants to be with me the rest of his life...at that point in time. People change, things change, no matter how I love a man or how he loves me.... I just don't think it's possible to really swear that I won't come to like another man, or discover that I'm really a lesbian, or simply lose feelings for him.
A LIFETIME is a long time.